I never was. Probably never will be. But I want to. I want to be the apple of his eye, I want to be his little princess, I want to remember him later on as the man who let me sit on his shoulders to give me the better view.

But I'm not daddy's girl.

For as long as I can remember, I almost never depended on my dad to be there for me. Never sought advice from him, never asked him to comfort me, to listen to my problems. When the going got tough, I would make a beeline for my mother for her advice, her perspective, her love. My dad loves me I'm sure. But for most of my life he loved me at a distance. We hardly ever spoke, any conversation that took place always felt forced to me. I never told him anything that really mattered. 

I still don't tell him anything of real importance to me. But I'm making an effort to. I think i've said more sentences to him the past month than the rest of my life put together. And he's been making an effort too. He's more patient. More forgiving. Things I never thought my father would be.

And it's sad. I leave so soon after finally being able to connect, sort of, to him. I regret not making the effort sooner. I regret not allowing him to be my father sooner.

I can't weigh in. I just can't. My stomach hurts like crazy (again) from last night's binge. But I should weigh in. Need to.

I haven't eaten at all today. And tomorrow will be a 600 calorie day so I don't binge again from no sustainance for almost 48 hours.

I want people to tell me that I'm skinny. Skinny, because I am, not to make me feel better.

Tonight's a party, and I won't eat. Not that I could even if I wanted to. My stomach feels as though it's constantly contracting. Ew. It hurts.

My stomach still doesn't feel all that normal. I don't mind, it just means i'm not hungry, even after going without food for over a day. I hope I can feel like this all the time so I never feel like eating.